Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Road to Recovery

Well, I am still trying to get over some shit. I know, It's been months just get over it. I wish I wasn't this soft. I wish I could have dropped the whole situation and walked away unscathed.

However, If I did that. I think I would miss the point. I would miss why bad shit happens to us all. This is my opinion so take it or leave it. Bad shit happens so we can learn from it. I have had some pretty rough shit happen to me. I am not referring to the break up. I am talking about deaths of close relatives and friends. Moving to a small town and leaving all my friends behind. I am talking about getting myself into a financial hole and clawing my way out. The possibility of not finishing school because I hate the course. I am talking about having things important to me stolen when I couldn't afford to replace them (BMX, a couple of skateboards ect ect). Ok, and yes I am even talking about my breakup with my long term live in girlfriend. The point is, I have never been the kind of person that can just drop anything. In some cases it's a terrible habit (i.e. I sometimes can't drop an argument). In others it prolongs the pain of something for along time. For me personally I can never stop thinking about something until I learn the lesson that I was supposed to get from it. Until I am very crystal clear on what I got from that event.

I can feel myself getting closer to relief from the most recent event. In any case, I do not think about it everyday. I have learned so much from it. When I can clearly remember every lesson from it then I will be over it. This one thing had so many different things to take from it. I don't want to lose any of it.

When my cousin died I felt closer to everyone I knew. I let everyone I knew know I loved them. I did it all the time. After awhile when things got easier to deal with I didn't do it as much. When I think of It I remember that If I don't do it. I may regret it. The last thing I said to my cousin was "see you next week". I knew he was sick, I knew he was in bad shape. Chad died a week after his 18th birthday and I was 17. He died and I never told him how much he meant to me. I never told him that because my brother was handicapped and couldn't do stuff with me. That he was the brother that my brother couldn't be. I never told Chad I loved him. Before he died I never even thought that I would miss him if he were gone.

Reality bites. After he died I spent a couple of years in a bad place. During this time I had to move with my family to Ponoka. My parents got a new job together but it meant we had to move. At this point I was giving up on life. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to make new friends. I hated everything. Why? I refused to take anything good from Chad's death. I just wanted him back. I just wanted the whole thing to be undone. It was actually my dad who snapped me out of it. I remember working with our horses and I was pissed off about the whole thing all over again. I was angry, crying and bitching to him about the whole thing. This was at least a full year later if not more. I hadn't even started to deal with it. My dad just freaked, it's funny cause I don't even remember what he said. Something along the lines of 'it happens to us all', 'do you want it to ruin you? Do you think Chad would want it to ruin your life?'.

It was just after that the word introspective became really important to me. Thinking about how you really feel. Not lying to yourself. I just kept telling myself that it wasn't fair. That Chad was too young to die. Those were lies I told myself everyday. The truth is people die. Plain and simple. If we all got to pick and choose who died THAT wouldn't be fair. I learned a lot from Chad's death. If I could stop if from happening or turn back time I don't know if that would be the right thing. I wish Chad was still here but I would not be who I am today without that. If I could bring him back and not lose the lesson I learned then I would. Which brings me back to the present.

I would not want to take back anything that has happened to me in my life. If I did I would never learn important things about life. I would walk around stuffing my face and buying shit like a large portion of North Americans. Never once stopping to smell the roses, having friends that are only there to make me feel better about my life. Always complaining about how fucked up life is. Blaming God or the Devil for all the crappy experiences I have to endure everyday. Blaming the world for taking things away from me that were never mine to claim. Just being downright ignorant.

Wow, I started writing this little update and it got completely out of control. Lets go back to something I learned from the most recent life lesson.

The biggest thing I have had to do is become and individual again. I for along time was part of a two headed monster. I didn't think for myself. I always wondered if I was making the other head happy. I wondered what I could do to not piss off my other head. When someone would call to hang out, I always worried that my other head would get upset that I left it alone. It seemed like my other head needed me so much that I felt I had to be there all the time. So I did. I chilled with my other head all the time. So much in fact that I got sick of my other head and it got sick of me. The other head and I would fight about everything. Not because we didn't love each other, but because we got sick of being a two headed monster. The other head needed to get it's own life. I needed to get my life back too.

You'd be surprised how you are blind to this stuff when it is happening to you. How easy it is to lose who you are and become someone your not. I've seen it happen to so many people. I always thought it was stupid when they did it. Like when you knew someone and you saw them all the time. Then one day you don't see them hanging around anymore. You call to ask why, and they say they just don't want to come out. Lame..... so and so's got a new friend and they aren't going to come out anymore. I always thought that those people were just weak or something. I could never figure them out. Well I became that guy. It is easy to get sucked into something to the point where nothing else matters. It is easy to make excuses not to go out with your friends when you have someone else to go home to. Sometimes it is hard to leave that other person alone because you worry that you may hurt there feelings. Sometimes they even want you to go, but are selfish and don't want to be alone.

All of this caused that relashionship to become terminal. It was all a recipe for disaster. My new life lesson. An oldie but a goodie. Be yourself. I was told this by many people by many mediums. You get told this a lot when you are young. I used to think I was all for peer pressure. Like you should be yourself and not try to act different to be popular. I am not worried about that these days as it does not pertain to my life anymore. I am not trying to win any popularity contests. I don't really care what other people think of me. But there also was another meaning. It seems like a simple concept but it is deeper than I thought. Not being yourself is bad for you. It's the same as being honest with yourself and with what you want. If you do everything to make someone else happy you risk not being happy yourself. If you are not happy then others won't be happy with you. Eventually other people wont want to be around you anymore. In full circle that reason you that you are alone and unhappy, Is because you made it that way. Weird.

I am going to have to look this over when I am not so tired. It's time to go to bed.

1 comment:

Clayton R said...

sniff sniff.. I hear ya buddy. I am right there with you, exept that I am not gay like you. I have read all your post. You are in better shape than your "head" portray's you to "think" stop the thinking my good pal, and everything shall be in its divine order. miss ya doode! CR